A Different Definition of Success

My whole life I have had a love-hate relationship with “success” and everything about it . . .

In 2004 I took over as the head boys basketball coach for Fayette High School, a rural school in mid-Missouri. The circumstances that led to my introduction of this small town in the heart of America were a bit bizarre. I had never heard of Fayette, Missouri. I was a Southwest Missouri boy, and it was pretty much all I had ever known. But a job search in the spring of 2004 resulted in me spraying 50+ resumes throughout much of the mid-western part of the country looking for a head boys basketball job and resulted in landing three and half hours north to become a Falcon at Fayette High School.

I immediately went to work. I spent hundreds of hours watching game films from the previous season and I immediately began to recognize the potential in the team that I had just inherited. We had our first workout early in the summer that year and we began to build the culture I had always envisioned my basketball programs to have – a culture rooted in discipline, character, defensive tenacity, and a breakneck pace. Not only did God bless me with a team full of talent, but for the most part, high-character kids with incredible work ethics. Nearly every player on that team knew their role, accepted their role, and played their role with near perfection. To this day, I still think about those young men on a regular basis, praying for them, wondering if those years were as formative to them as they were to me.

We finished my rookie year as a head coach with a historic season. Our record during the 04-05 campaign at the time was a school record at that time, finishing 23-7. Four of our seven losses came before Christmas. Our final loss came in the Missouri State Tournament where we lost to the eventual state champions by seven points. I still remember that game nearly play by play, the statistics of that game, and the heartbroken nature of our ball club after that night and our season ended. A lot of people here in our community still remember that team, that season, those young men. What most people don't know however is that same night our season ended in March of 2005 was the night I began to fight one of the biggest battles of my life – one that still wages on to this day.

The reality of the matter is that my fear of failure far outweighs my feeling of success and has always been a persistent adversary that has left me many times feeling a multitude of different emotions, none of which resulted in feeling like I mattered. So the war began to wage between my ears. . .

As the locker room cleared out and I hugged each and every one of my players, coaches, and managers as they headed to the bus, I remember my mom and dad who had traveled to watch the game met me outside the locker room. My dad threw his arm around me, and I remember getting pretty emotional. He told me he was proud of me and that we had a great season. I responded, “Dad, we are better than that team. That one got away from us.” I paused for a long second, and I remember word for word what I told him next, “Dad, I thought this would feel different. I thought I would feel like this season was a success. But dad, I don’t feel like we finished the job. If we don’t finish the job, can it be a success?”

Long story short, since March of 2005, after pursuing coaching for seven more years after that night, then leaving that career to step into full-time vocational ministry, even in my parenting and the way that I love my wife, I have always felt the same kind of void, always asking . . . “Why does it always feel like there is more to do before I can consider my life a success? A life that has mattered and left a mark on others.” The reality of the matter is that my fear of failure far outweighs my feeling of success and has always been a persistent adversary that has left me many times feeling a multitude of different emotions, none of which resulted in feeling like I mattered. So, the war began to wage between my ears.

There are two distinct definitions of that enigmatic word “success”. One, the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. Secondly, the attainment of fame, wealth, or social status. I had to begin the work to define what “success” meant to me. I didn’t think the second definition was really what I was pursuing. I can genuinely say that it wasn’t fame or social status I was after – and it certainly wasn’t the money, public school teachers are drastically underpaid here in Missouri after all. A historic season, a case full of trophies, dates put on the banners in the gym, and a truck load full of post-season honors came and went and still, there was a cavernous void left in my soul. So, if it wasn’t fame or status, it had to be the feeling of not fully achieving the aim or purpose of that season – to win the state title. But as a every coach will tell you, not every year is going to yield a team that is talented enough to compete for a state title.

It got even more complicated than that when I made the decision to walk away from coaching pursuits and step into full time ministry. Let’s be serious for a moment – how does one define success in vocational church ministry? Some use lots of different analytics to define some aspects of their definition of success – numbers of members, campuses, ministries they contribute to, missionaries they support, buildings, even money. Some have more noble measuring sticks for ministry success in the number of individuals who come to know Christ as their Savior, baptisms, or those who have surrendered to ministry. But even now that I have been in ministry for 20 years, over half of those in full time vocational ministry, “success” has proven to be an elusive, slippery target to define.

Now, even as I write this and ponder my roles in this life as a husband, father, pastor, son, brother, friend, still coaching youth basketball from time to time, all the things, I get lost in chasing my tail trying to achieve something that even now, I’m not sure it really exists. So, it has to be me right, two very different paths I’ve journeyed down, a great marriage and relationship with an incredible wife, and two extraordinary children – many look at our life and our family and see a successful husband and father. So why does success still seem so unattainable?

A successful life is not composed by the number of dollars we have made, but rather the number of days that honor the Lord.

This year, after celebrating my 43rd birthday, something shifted in me and my thinking. I began really dig in and pursue why this was such a paralyzing thing for me. I remember I had driven out to one of my favorite places to just sit and think. I had driven deep into the back portion of my brother's farm and I just began to pray. I go there a lot alone, often without telling anyone because I simply just need to talk to God for a minute. On this particular trip however, I didn’t do much talking. Instead, I did a lot of being quiet, listening for something. In my stillness I believe God placed this thought deep in my heart that afternoon. After that encounter in that corn field, I walked away with this new definition of success – A successful life is not composed by the number of dollars we have made, but rather the number of days that honor the Lord.

You can really fill in the blank there with anything that has been the false target of success, it doesn’t just have to be money. For me, success cannot be defined by the number of wins I accumulated in my coaching career. It cannot be defined by the number of people who attend my church or the number of students that come to youth group. It is not defined by whether I have achieved my goal of owning and operating my own farm or not. It is not defined by how many wall hanger deer, long bearded turkeys, or green headed mallards I harvest. Success isn’t defined by anything that I can accomplish on my own. The new definition for me is defined as the number days over the course of my life that I can honor God with the way I have lived it. There are certainly still dreams that I hope to one day chase down and see come to fruition. But I am trying to get to the place in my life where success isn’t determined by what I have or haven’t done, but instead it is determined by doing my best to honor God each and every day with the way I live and love others.

I know that there are probably still plenty of days still on deck where there will be little skirmishes that happen in my head between my fear of failure and my often-skewed versions of success. But I am slowly learning that the pursuit of success in any realm is won by showing up one day at a time. So today, I will do my best to honor God with my life. Win, lose, or draw, I will do my best to wake up and chase the same goal tomorrow.