Will There Ever Be A Year...?

It’s happening again… It’s January 15th. As of this morning there will be no more chasing deer, no more quiet moments twenty feet above the ground where some of my best moments of meditation, pondering, and brainstorming take place, at least not until next fall. There will be fewer moments where all the camo clad hunters sit on the tailgate of a muddy truck or at the deer camp dining room table sharing memories about deer seen or unseen, bartering Little Debbie snack cakes, and talking about the world’s problems over a bowl of chili or a slice of pizza. Of course, we will stay in touch and have already started planning for next year’s season. But bittersweet are the moments of moving stands, pulling cameras, folding up ground blinds, and storing away gear with the realization that the culmination of all the efforts has passed us by for a few months. We have the reprieve of mourning provided by an approaching spring where we can change our tactics to chase an old Tom, but the sorrow of another deer season passing has a palpable presence regardless of the degree of success we had.

I have hunted my entire adult life. Not one time has January 15th arrived in Missouri with thoughts that didn’t require acknowledgment that there was too little or misguided effort put into my goal. The closing of the season has arrived every year with at least one unfilled tag still in the wallet. Is this a result of choices made? Absolutely. Does it still come with second guessing and hindsight bias? Undoubtedly. As the season closes, I often find myself sitting with my morning cup of Black Rifle Coffee thinking that I could have done more or done better. I wonder if there will ever be a year when I enjoy that morning cup of coffee on January 15th and take a deep breath while honestly thinking I did everything right.

As often is the case, parallels can be drawn between hunting and life. For example, my beautiful daughter Kayleigh turns thirteen later this month. Over the course of the last two or three years, it has been a pure joy to watch her grow up and take on a personality that is hers and hers alone. She has gone from quiet introvert to strategic extravert who has fallen in love with cheerleading, theater, and musicals. She is gaining confidence in who God has created her to be. She is beautiful inside and out and she is going to change the world. I have never in 13 years gotten to the square on the calendar that is her birthday and thought to myself, “You have spent every quality moment there was to spend with your daughter this year.” So, I anticipate, as we enjoy our annual daddy daughter birthday dinner date, I will likely quietly in the chaos of my mind ask, “Will there ever be a year when I can say, I’ve given you my best in every moment?”

Similarly, my son Kaleb is a high-school freshman this year. As often is the case for young men his age, it has been a year him trying to figure out life and what it is like to leave childhood in the rearview mirror. It has been a year of ups and downs as he’s stepped into the unforgiving and unrelenting environment of high school. He’s experienced some great learning opportunities in the first half of the school year - things that have taught him who he wants to be and who he doesn’t want to be. He’s in the middle of his first varsity basketball season right now. He would likely tell you it hasn’t gone the way he thought it would go but I’m so proud of the way he responds to challenges and uncomfortable opportunities that give him a chance to grow and mature. However, through his challenges and while sitting at his basketball games, I find myself reevaluating my decision to leave coaching basketball. The reality of the situation being that if I was still in the game, I’d be coaching my first-born child in one his greatest passions in life. That reality has left me squirming in my seat in the uncomfortable bleachers found across Central and Northern Missouri this year. Did I let him down? Is he disappointed that for the first half of his life we dreamed of the moment that could have been, but likely will never be? I don’t know the answers to those questions. I know this, I often lay in bed at night after one of his games and I ask myself, “Will there ever be a year when I can confidently say I made all the right decisions?”

Of course, similar questions are posed regarding the kind of husband I am to my wife, Stephanie, or the reality that I’ve lost some important people in my life the last few years. Through the grieving process, similar questions have stared back at me in the mirror. The same type of questions rings out in the halls of my mind in most areas of my life. I am not sure that second guessing past decisions is one of the common characteristics of human nature or if this phenomenon is unique to me. I find January 15th and the new year coming in creates a perfect atmosphere for recollection and second guessing.

Will there ever be an era or area of my life that I don’t second guess or apply current knowledge to past circumstance? I anticipate the answer is no. I doubt I will ever allow myself the grace to not find opportunity where I could have played the wind better, done more, been present, loved harder, or prepared more thoroughly. In fact, I suspect there will be plenty more January 15th mornings over a cup of piping hot coffee where I’ll conversate with myself and critique all the things I could have done differently, words I could have said better or more often, or days I could have spent more wisely. I know without a doubt there will likely never be a year where I hunted enough, took enough days for my own health, or worked hard enough for my family. Whatever the nature of the question or the topic of the dialogue, I anticipate these questions will always be part of my morning routine on January 15th.

But even now, as I’m about halfway through my first cup of coffee, I wonder - is that really a bad question to be asking? You see as I pose the question “Will there ever be a year…” directed at my role on this earth as husband, father, son, Christian, outdoorsman, brother, friend, and the hundreds of other titles that exist in my life, I have to believe that when you ask the right questions, it helps you focus on how you can be better the next year. I don’t ever want to get to a January 15th and think to myself that I have arrived or done all there is to be done. I want to be the best I can be for Kaleb and Kayleigh, and Stephanie. I want to make strides in my skills as an outdoorsman and hunter, and improvements in my various roles that I play in this life.

Evaluation of past performance, while valuable, must come with grace. Metaphorically speaking, there is no way of knowing what will show up under another stand while I’m sitting in the stand I thought was best. Life is no different, I must strive to do my best with the information and motivators that I have in my possession. Adapt, persevere, and strive to understand that the target is hearing “well done my good and faithful servant”.Notice the scripture doesn’t say “you got it all right”. Will there ever be a year when I reminisce about my hunting or life performance and decide I couldn’t have done better? I hope not and that’s ok